Wanna be

Forewarning: this entry contains a lot of pish. Philosophically and rhetorically speaking. This is the equivalent of a diary entry. Today I am not talking to you, my lovely readers, I am talking to myself. It just so happened that instead of grabbing a pencil and paper (which is no longer amongst the most common literacy practices of the modern reader and writer), I sat in front of the screen and started to type and then I thought it was a shame to delete such highly cultivated pish.

Life is tough when you wanna be someone.

I saw Dolemite is my name last weekend and the main character, who is based on a real person called Rudy Ray Moore, has the intense desire of being someone, of having the rest of the world know he exists, and that motivates his actions. I am not ambitious in the sense that I am not driven by the desire of acquiring fame or lots of money or power. I am not too bothered about whther the rest of the world knows I exist, but as far as it goes on myself wanting to be (wanting to be cleverer, wiser, more productive, fitter, better in general), then yes, I related very much with the main guy in the movie. I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself, but unfortunately I do want to prove many things to me.

The implications of setting myself a goal (and more than one, more often than not) are devastating, since if I don’t manage to achieve that (those) goal (goals), I quite probably will feel miserable, defeated. It’s not a matter of: Did I try? Instead it turns into a matter of: Did I do it?

One acquires Yoda’s view of “Do or do not, there is no try”. The sad bit, which is hard to deal with, is that sometimes we do not, not because of our lack of motivation, but because of things that are beyond our control. Hence our frustration.

On the other hand, mindfulness and philosophies in line with the concept of zen, tell us not to worry about what is out of our control, but instead to worry only about the now. Some currents of Buddhism say: Just sit. And by sitting and doing nothing else, some sort of enlightment comes to us. I suppose it is related to the fact that we are very little in the universe, but also that the peace comes within.

Additionally, if we follow the reasoning “I am here now” (Ego sum hic et nunc), whatever it is out of “me” and “here” and “now” should not concern me, for I have zero control of those other things, and even then – one may add following other philosopical ideas – I have no possible way of knowing whether everything out of myself is actually there, or even true – ontologically speaking.

Sometimes (most of the times) I feel knowing too much is only a burden. The more I know the more I realise how little I know (Greek philosopher Socrates already got to this conclusion). And yet, I want to say I know: I am aware of my ignorance, which means now it is too late to turn off the light, to o choose the blue pill – using Matrix’s terminology – and go back to sleep, to the bliss of ignorance. For even if what I know is quite probably useless (a lot of pish), it is enough to keep my head busy, busy. Thoughts coming and going don’t help sleeping…

I don’t know. It’s a grey day, that is, a great day to entertain grey thoughts.


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