Wanna be

Forewarning: this entry contains a lot of pish. Philosophically and rhetorically speaking. This is the equivalent of a diary entry. Today I am not talking to you, my lovely readers, I am talking to myself. It just so happened that instead of grabbing a pencil and paper (which is no longer amongst the most common literacy practices of the modern reader and writer), I sat in front of the screen and started to type and then I thought it was a shame to delete such highly cultivated pish.

Life is tough when you wanna be someone.

Last weekend I saw Dolemite is my name. In it, the main character, who is based on a real person called Rudy Ray Moore, has the intense desire of being someone, of having the rest of the world knowing he exists, and that is his main drive for everything he does. That made me think how I am not an ambitious person, in the sense that I am not particularly driven by the desire of acquiring fame or lots of money or power. The truth is that I am not too bothered about whether the rest of the world knows I exist… however, I am a wannabe, in the sense that I do have a main motivation which consists on wanting to be: I want to be cleverer, wiser, more productive, fitter, better in general, therefore I related very much with the main guy in the film. To sum it up, I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself, nevertheless – and unfortunately – I do want to prove many things to myself.

The implications of setting myself a goal (and more than one, more often than not) are devastating. If I don’t manage to achieve that (those) goal (goals), I will quite probably feel miserable, defeated. It is no longer a matter of: “Did I try?” Instead it turns into a matter of: “Did I do it?

One acquires Yoda’s view of “Do or do not, there is no try”. The sad bit, which is a hard bit to deal with, is that sometimes we do not; not because of our lack of motivation, but because of things that are beyond our control. Hence our frustration develops.

On the other hand, mindfulness and philosophies in line with the concept of zen, tell us not to worry about what is out of our control. Instead, we should only worry about the present. Some currents of Buddhism say: Just sit. And by sitting and doing nothing else, some sort of enlightment will come to us. I suppose it is related to the fact that we are very little in the universe and all is relativised as minimal, but also that the peace comes from within.

Additionally, if we follow the line of thought of “I am here now” (Ego sum hic et nunc), whatever it is out of “me” and “here” and “now” should not concern me, for I have zero control in any of those other things. Even then – one may add following other philosopical ideas – I have no possible way of knowing whether everything out of myself is actually there, or even true – ontologically speaking – therefore we would be worrying about phantasies, which seems a rather useless and dumb thing to do.

Sometimes (most of the times) I feel knowing too much is only a burden. The more I know the more I realise how little I know (Greek philosopher Socrates already got to this conclusion, as did Bono in City of Blinding lights). Simultaneously I feel like I know, to the extend that I am aware of my ignorance, which means that now it is too late to turn off the light, to choose the blue pill – using The Matrix reference – and go back to sleep, to the bliss of ignorance in the depth of my forced sleep, for even if what I know is quite probably useless (a lot of pish), it is enough to keep my head busy, busy running. Indeed, thoughts coming and going don’t help sleeping.

I don’t know. It’s a grey day, that is to say, it is a great day to entertain grey thoughts.

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